Post by Lincoln Vale on Oct 19, 2017 19:20:28 GMT -7
Dear Diary, ||||||||||| | | | |||||||\\\|||||||||\\\\\\\\\|||||||||//||||||||\||\||||||||||||\||||||||||||| | May 2036 I feel like this is stupid. I've never been interested in writing or expressing my feelings... But with Jefferson's death... I don't quite feel like myself.
When I was in my seventh year, all the dark and depressing feelings that I'd buried so long ago. All the stress of graduating and getting my minor, it just brought every dark feeling back up. I only told Ezra Beckett about what happened, and now he doesn't even remember it. I'm almost grateful he doesn't... Now no one knows, once again, just me.
Jefferson, I never got to tell you how proud of you I was, and what I thought you could accomplish. I was a proud big sister, and while I still am a big sister, you're gone, and our family will never be the same. How am I going to tell everyone? Mum and Dad and Nixon already know, but the younger ones...
Post by Lincoln Vale on Oct 19, 2017 19:34:44 GMT -7
Dear Diary, ||||||||||| | | | |||||||\\\|||||||||\\\\\\\\\|||||||||//||||||||\||\||||\||||||||||||||||||||| | July 2036 I'm in St. Mungo's. This is stupid, I shouldn't even be alive. I don't want to be alive. I'm fucking alone, my brother is dead, my younger sister and I have the worst relationship and I'm over it. I mean, I should feel guilty for putting everyone through this, again. They'll be pleased to know I came out of it alive, unlike me. I just have to pretend to be agreeable and not suicidal and they'll let me out, I guess. This is fucking stupid.
And then that bastard had to go and 'save me'. Fuck you, Dean Stewart . I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to be six feet under. I wanted to be found, bleeding to death, in the snow. I wanted this stupid pain and guilt to go away, and instead, I get to live with it for the rest of my miserable life.
Post by Lincoln Vale on Oct 19, 2017 20:41:57 GMT -7
To my sisters, ||||||||||| | | | |||||||\\\|||||||||\\\\\\\\\|||||||||//\||||||||\||||||||||||||||||||||||| | July 2036 I'm still in St. Mungos, and still feeling sorry for myself, so in case anything ever happens, I want you four to know, the truth about why I was the way I was in school, why you, unfortunately, have to deal with my reputation.
I don't know how well you'll remember, but my first three years of school, I didn't have any reputation. I was a good student, I enjoyed most of my classes, and I'm sure like most girls, I had crushes on some of my professors, but never dreamed of doing anything about it. The year came to an end and those of us Vale's who were in school went back home. I'd just turned fourteen, and there was a boy back home who I'd known forever and had a crush on. I guess while we went away to 'boarding school,' he and all the other kids I thought were my friends had grown closer to each other and further away from me.
That summer, he'd spent a lot of time with me... Making me believe he cared and wanted to be with me. I don't know if it was a game they played or if he was just doing it because he could, but he knew he could fool me, and he did it. He told me he didn't want anyone to know, it had to be a secret, so we often snuck around, well away from anyone who could find us. Especially the family, he didn't want any of you to walk in on us and not be able to keep a secret from Mum and Dad. Because "we're only fourteen, our parents will never understand, they'll tell us we can't be together, it has to be secret." I was afraid of being caught too, because I thought that the people I cared about most should hear it from me, and not by opening the wrong door, but I viewed it as something real, but he didn't. I was naive.
He was my first kiss... He'd kissed me at the beginning of that summer, and that was all we did. Then a few weeks in, we went out to a field somewhere, secluded, away from anyone who might see. I didn't think anything of it, but looking back, I can't believe I didn't know what was coming next.
We were alone out there, and he kept kissing me. He tried to take it further, and I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't a 'wait-for-marriage' kind of girl, but I did want it to be special, and I wanted to know it was real. I didn't even know if I loved him or not, how could I give myself to him? But I wasn't given the option... I tried to fight him off, but I was fourteen, I was weak, and he overpowered me. I froze, and I couldn't fight back. I couldn't move, I could barely breath. My arms were pinned above my head, but my fingers found a rock. It wasn't a huge rock, but it was enough. I managed to get an arm free and I hit him in the head. Hard enough that he fell off me.
I, somehow, escaped from underneath him. All I could do was run. I dropped the rock somewhere out there, and my hands were covered in blood. And I just left him there, and never heard from him again. I don't know if he... No one knew I was with him, so no one ever came asking me questions. And I never told anyone. I pushed it far, far down. And when I got back to school, I did everything I could to make sure I never thought about what I did. I slept with anyone I could, I went to every rave and drank everything in my sights, I just wanted to drown the pain out. I didn't care who I messed with or what relationships I messed up. I just needed to do anything I could to cope. And then it just became who I was. And I liked it. I didn't care if anyone thought I was a slut, I still don't.
If anything ever happens to me, I want you four to understand this. Even if it isn't easy for you to accept, and or even understand why I did what I did, but I needed you to know this about me. I think it's going to be very hard for Mum and Dad to discover, or even Nixon. This is something I've kept secret since I was fourteen years old. This is why I always was the way I was with you guys. I want every relationship you get into to be meaningful, I want you to be smart and careful... Because I know that not ever guy is going to be honest, and treat you right. My first kiss was fine, that I don't regret. But if I'd never met him, who knows what my life would be like. My first time was the worst experience of my life. I just want the best for all of you, and if I'm difficult and overbearing, I'm sorry, but I would do anything to make sure that none of you have to deal with what I dealt with.